Chantix Works But I Can't Take It Anymore

Around 7:30 this evening, it will have been a week since I last smoked.

Now, when I get that "I want a cigarette" feeling, I just take a deep breath (it helps) and tell myself, "I don't smoke." And I don't. I thought about not going to play pool (temptation and all) but I really don't think I'll have a problem with it. I do believe I have it beaten this time.

I still occasionally have that little voice suggesting how great a cigarette would be but I don't want to take Chantix any more or again. It worked and it got me over the initial physical and chemical addiction. It just made me feel so awful that I had to quit taking it. I didn't take it for the recommended full 12 weeks. I only took it for one week. And while I had to stop taking it, I believe it really helped me quit.

While I was seriously depressed when taking it, fortunately, I realized it was because of the medication. However, I can understand why they're attributing it to suicide risk in some people. Nausea was a minor problem but nothing I couldn’t live with. The vivid dreams were okay. They interfered with my sleep but I didn’t have nightmares. I just woke up quite a bit. The headaches were pretty bad. The lightheadedness, shortness of breath, chest pain and palpitations were too much. I told MrWurdi on the way home from playing pool last week that if I hadn't read the info sheet and known that these were side effects, I'd be demanding he take me to the emergency room. The effects didn't get unbearable until the dosage doubled (after the first week). I probably could have stopped taking it a little earlier. It works so well in getting you off the chemical addiction. It was nice getting past that part while still being able to smoke (even though I wasn't getting any pleasure from it).

I probably could have continued on the week one dosing but I didn't (and still don't) think I need it anymore. I'm done.

My evaluation of Chantix? It's a great drug that really works to help get you off the cigarettes - if you can stand to take it. I’m concerned that there’s not been enough research done on it and there are going to be some really bad findings (think Phen-fen and Vioxx) before it’s all said and done. I hope I’m wrong.

Thanksgiving Eve Haikus

Wine gal consulted
American wines purchased
Can't wait to try them!

The foodstuffs are bought.
The store crowds navigated
The cooking begins.

Uh-oh. Big problem.
The oven's thermostat quit
Temp testing tonight.


I'm so glad we discovered the problem with the oven tonight. With a little testing, we should be able to determine how to adjust and still get dinner served on time (and not blackened). I hope to have a picture of our "fancy eatin' table" for you tomorrow.



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Day One of not smoking is good. I'm having some minor urges/craves but I'm recognizing them as more habit that actual want. The Chantix has been bothering me. The dose went up to double yesterday and I felt miserable. Really bad. I don't think I'm going to continue taking it but I'll post more on that later.

Letter to a Former Friend

Dear Virginia,

You’ve been with me through some of the darkest moments of my life. You’ve also been there with me to celebrate the most joyful occasions. I can’t remember a time that you weren’t there for me. It didn’t matter what time of day or night it was; you always had time for me. You were always there and, odd as this may seem by the time you finish reading this letter, I really appreciate that.

In those times when I felt anxious or awkward, you knew just how to ease my nerves and make me relax. When I was so angry I could scream, you helped me step back and re-evaluate the situation or just blow off steam. You were there as I became an adult. You even helped ease that transition. Oh, I know you didn’t make me any more mature but you had a way of making me feel like I was.

I would have done anything for you, too. I’d get out in the nastiest weather just to pick you up and bring you to my house. I’d scrimp and save during the lean years so we could be together. I’d leave the company of my family and other friends just to be with you. In fact, I’d even give up a little of my precious time with the grandgirls just to hang out with you for a few minutes.

We had our little rituals, you and I. Tap, tap, tap, a quick spin of the wheel with my thumb, a deep inward breath followed by a relieved exhale. Even though I began to realize that you didn’t always have my best interests at heart, I still hung out with you. I still welcomed you into my home.

Over time, our relationship began to change. It wasn’t so much that I wanted to hang out with you anymore. You even started hurting me but I always forgave you and welcomed you back. Yes, I’ve been burned more than once with you. It’s just that we’ve been together so long I had trouble imagining not having you around. I’ve wondered how I’ll deal with the nervousness or anger. How can I hang out at the pool hall without you by my side?

Our relationship has caused some problems. It got to the point where my family and friends didn’t want you around, either. MrWurdi didn’t want you in the house so I started hanging out on the front porch with you. I froze my ass off in the winter and fought the bees and other flying buzzy critters in the summer just to spend time with you. My mother let you ride in the car with us but made pained grimaces and coughed meaningfully even with the window down.

I hate to break it to you but they all think you stink. No, there’s really nothing you can do about it. Cologne or perfume won’t fix it. Although I love the way you smell when I haven’t seen you in a while, even I am beginning to find your particular scent offensive.

But that’s not why I’m writing this letter. I’m not writing this letter to you because you stink or because you’ve hurt me or because I’ve spent too much money and time just to be with you. I’m not writing this letter to say how bad for me you are. You already know that. I can’t even say you didn’t warn me that you were bad news. Hell, every single time I picked you up, the message was loud and clear.

I’m writing this letter to tell you that while I may miss you in the days and weeks to come, I don’t need you in my life. Not only that, I don’t want you in my life. So, here’s your notice. I want you and your stuff out of my house, purse and car by midnight tomorrow. As of November 21, 2007, you are no longer welcome in my life. I’m sure I’ll see you from time to time but I don’t want to reconnect with you. Ever. We’re done. Good-bye, Virginia.

Smoke ‘em if ya’… erm…nevermind.

Ima Wurdibitsch

P.S. If you see those friends of yours, Salem Slim or the Marlboro Man, tell them I don’t want to see them, either.

Do-It-Yourself Psychoanalysis

I was planning on writing a poem about my lack of planning for next week’s Thanksgiving Feast. Unfortunately, that particular muse is not with me today.

In honor of my new co-worker, I was going to create a How To Make A Bad First Impression on Your New Co-Workers post but I’m trying to keep from posting any specifics about my job here. It would suck to be Dooce’d.

I’d considered whining about how it’s cold here and expected to get colder but, for Pete’s sake, I live in Alafreakinbama. It could be worse.

I considered sharing some recipes but I’ve done that a lot recently so I’m trying to abstain.

Yesterday, my topic was “I’m Just Not Feeling It.” Today, I could write the same thing. So, I’ve been thinking about that. You know, a little of that Do-It-Yourself-Psychoanalysis. Here’s what I think is happening:

There’s nothing really wrong with me, yet I’m in a major funk. I don’t feel like I have the energy for a good rant and, believe me, there’s fodder for one. I am normally a very (obnoxiously, even) upbeat person. I’ve been out in the sunshine. ~sigh~ My weight is down. ~okay~ I have good music on my iPod and just recently figured out how to play it in the car. ~cool~

Everything is pretty good in my life but I’m overwhelmed with ennui.

I think I figured it out.

CHANTIX.

Don’t get me wrong, I think Chantix is great. I believe I’m really going to finally quit smoking for good. I’ve already noticed that even when I do smoke, I end up putting it out after just a few drags.

Chantix supposedly blocks the nicotine pleasure receptors in your brain. This stuff, because it keeps the nicotine from reaching those receptors (and releasing dopamine), makes that pleasure disappear. If I'm not getting any dopamine release from the nicotine, all I'm left with is the stench and the habit.

Apparently, I was getting A LOT of pleasure from cigarettes. MrWurdi said something that made sense to me. Since my brain isn’t getting what it needs to feed that addiction to the pleasure/dopamine, I’m already going through withdrawal even though I’m still smoking.

I’m hoping this means that by next week, the worst of it will be over. I just realized that I planned my quit day to be the day before Thanksgiving. That wasn’t too bright. Or, maybe it was.

I'm Not Feeling It

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Dreary Day Haiku
Gray clouds overhead
Coupled with not enough sleep
I'm cranky and glum
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Chantix update: Although I don't think the medicine is built up enough to be making a difference, I'm smoking less. I'm also experiencing one of the major side effects: Nausea. That's not so much fun but, maybe, it will help keep me from gaining weight as I quit.

...And Awa-a-a-a-y We Go!

I started taking the Chantix today. I've heard so many good stories about how effective it is. So, I'm very hopeful that this time will be it and I'll finally kick cigarettes to the curb once and for all.

I think it's time. I'm not (yet) feeling that panic I normally start to feel at the thought of giving them up for good. I've, as suggested, picked a quit date: November 21, 2007 - next Wednesday. The literature tells me that I might feel like giving them up before then and that's okay. In the past, the quit date has loomed ominously and I've smoked almost frantically up until that date. I don't feel that need or desire this time.

It will be interesting to see how I feel at the beginning of next week. I'll keep you posted.

Here We Go Again - The Final Chapter

I've failed at this too many times. I will succeed this time.

I'm quitting smoking. Again. Finally. For good.

As I've said before, not counting a few unremarkable, short-term quits and one three-month quit, I’ve been smoking for over 26 years. That’s a long time and a lot of money - not to mention what it’s done to me health-wise.

So, I’m quitting.

I went to the doctor today. I got a prescription for Chantix. They say it has a 70% effectiveness rate. I'll let you know how that works out for me.

...Try, Try Again

I suck.

I failed to maintain my quit. I have a new quit date, a new prescription for Zyban (that I've been taking for about 3 weeks), and a new attitude.

I could list all the reasons why my quit didn't stick but then I'd have to deal with that whole philosophical argument in my head about whether they're reasons or excuses. I'm not in the mood for Do-It-Yourself Psychoanalysis so I won't make a list.

Here's the plan:
Take Zyban - check
Keep taking Zyban - check
Pick a quit date, July 4th - check
Figure out how to keep from gaining weight while/after quitting - check back and see if this plan works

I really do want to quit smoking. I really would love it if smoking wasn't unhealthy, stinky, expensive, and completely abhorrent to MrWurdi. I have smoking issues. I'm dealing with them.

Part of my plan involves not gaining weight when I quit. I realize that's nearly impossible but I've recommitted to my Weight Watcher plan and I've started exercising. Yes, me. Even though I've always hate-hate-hated exercise. I've decided to do the Couch to 5K running plan. I completed the 2nd workout of week one this morning and I've learned something about myself.

I still hate exercise.

I dread it. I don't like it when I'm doing it. I feel so good when I'm done but I don't just feel good that it's over. I feel proud of myself and what I'm doing for my health. I also feel good that I'm providing amusement for anyone who happens to witness me as I huff and puff my way through the workout.

I'm a giver like that.

I was waiting for it to feel good. I have been looking forward to that "runner's high" you hear about from some runners. Unfortunately, I'm afraid my running experience will be more like that of a dear friend of mine who said, "The only way I'd get runner's high is if I were, well, high."

How It Feels Today

It is getting better. There wasn't a question about starting back. It was just a matter of how bad it was going to get before it got better. I feel human again. Other people are, for the time being, safe. I've changed the way I'm talking about this. I don't talk about quitting. I'm not quitting. I have quit. I'm a non-smoker.

I do have a rant in me. It's a real rant, not one inspired by cravings or anything else associated with my quit. I hope to have time later today to post it.

Daily Non-Smoking Whine

I think it's going to get better. It has to, right?

I had a cigarette in my hand last night. I had a lighter, too.

I didn't smoke it. I put it down and walked away. Maybe it's good to have tremendous challenges thrown in your way when you're quitting smoking. It gives you the knowledge that you can get through future crises. If you can name your demon, I think that helps, too. My demon has a name. I was able to say, "Fuck you, _______. I'm not giving you that kind of power over me."

I'm going to Walmart. I hate Walmart on a good day. This is probably not the best time to go to Walmart but I have to go today. That's the bad news. The good news is that I might have another installation of "People Irritate Me" when I get back.

I'm hoping that I get over my foul mood soon. I think it's causing the choppy, high schoolish sentence structure. Bear with me. TJ says it will get better and I believe her.

People Irritate Me ~ Chapter 3

I guess it’s not quite fair to have a “people irritate me” post when I’m trying to quit smoking because my tolerance is pretty low today. I also said I wasn’t going to blog my quitting smoking details. So much for that! I’ve decided to put some People Irritate Me stuff in here right after I blog about my quitting smoking crap.

I was driving home yesterday when I realized I felt sick. Really sick. Sick to my stomach, head hurting kind of sick. Right about then, I had a lightbulb moment. I realized that how I was feeling must be similar to how junkies (not the turnip kind) feel when they're craving their fix.

My body is pretty pissed at me for not smoking. All of the unpleasantness normally associated with quitting is hitting me full force. I know that if I can get through today, it will start to get better. By this time next week, it will probably just be those random and unexpected cravings to handle.

I'm allowing myself some leeway on the whole Weight Watchers thing. I'm not tossing my plan out the window but, especially these first few days, I'm rewarding myself with food. If my brain and body are whining about losing something they enjoyed, I'll substitute food for a while. I know I can handle the food thing again after I deal with now.

I didn’t blog about quitting smoking yesterday so I’ve kind of exploited a loophole. I said I wasn’t going to do a day-by-day blog of it.

Now, on to the People Irritate Me part of this post. This is a general, non-specific kind of irritation. A list of character traits that run the gamut from mildly annoying me to making me want to [the rest of this sentence has been edited out on the advice of my attorney who states that one should never incriminate oneself by providing proof of intent to commit a crime.]

Posting the specifics would only end up making me more irritated (and might piss some people off) so I’ll just do a short list:

[EDIT]

Hoping for a better day tomorrow.

I QUIT, REALLY!

I've been smoke-free for more than ten hours. I put the last one out before going to bed last night. The rest of the pack was broken, dumped in the trash and taken out to the bin.

I'm not going to hour-by-hour or day-by-day blog this. I just felt I needed to have a real "I QUIT!" post.

I QUIT!

Disclaimer: I haven’t actually quit so my title isn’t exactly accurate. A better title would have been, “I’m going to quit.” It just doesn’t have the same ring to it. So, in the interest of full disclosure, I’m going to quit.

Tomorrow.

Smoking.

Not counting a few unremarkable, short-term quits and one three-month quit, I’ve been smoking for over 26 years. That’s a long time and a lot of money - not to mention what it’s done to me health-wise.

So, I’m quitting.

Tomorrow.

January 17, 2007.

No more smoking.

The thought of quitting smoking used to make me so sad. Seriously. I know it sounds ridiculous that the thought of stopping something so expensive and damaging and stinky and offensive to others would make a person sad but it did. I hated the thought of giving them up.

I enjoyed cigarettes. I did. I really did. I loved the way they tasted. I loved the way they smelled. I loved pulling that toxic smoke deep into my lungs only to exhale it in a smoky cloud around me. I tried to be considerate of non-smokers and was, mostly, successful. I smoked in my car and in my house. I used cigarettes to wake up and I used them to relax. Stressed? A cigarette just seemed to help. After a meal or with a drink was a wonderful time for a cigarette. Smoking while playing pool just seemed natural. I didn’t mind if someone smoked while I was eating. Aside from while I was sleeping or showering or having sex, any time seemed like a wonderful time for a cigarette.

During all of my adult life, cigarettes had been there for me – like a trusted friend. They were there for the good times and the bad - especially the bad. Cigarettes didn’t mind if it was the same old drama. Cigarettes didn’t care if it was 3 a.m. They were there when I was bored. They were there when I was nervous. They were always there.

So, the thought of giving them up made me very sad. I didn’t even want to think about it. I’d get panicky at the very thought of never smoking again. It made me want to go smoke. Then, the sadness went away for a while.

Sure, there were things about smoking I didn’t like. Standing outside in the cold to smoke sucked. Standing outside in the heat to smoke sucked. Riding anywhere with a non-smoker sucked. Getting out of the airport to smoke and then back in through security for connecting flights sucked. I hated having to do that evaluation on the way home: Do I have enough cigarettes to last until morning? Is my lighter running out? My car reeked of cigarette smoke. I’ve burned clothes and carpet. I hated when my granddaughter would reach out for me to hold her and I’d have to say, “Wait until Grannie puts out her cigarette.”

None of that seemed to matter. I still enjoyed smoking. I wanted to smoke. Even knowing the love of my life HATED it, DESPISED it, LOATHED it, DETESTED it…(where’s my thesaurus?)… I still wanted to do it. My son’s best friend lost his mother, Sandy, to lung cancer recently. She and I went to high school together. I still didn’t quit. I knew I needed to quit and I half-heartedly planned to quit but it made me sad. I was addicted, mentally and physically, and the mental addiction was what had me running to the store to buy more cigarettes.

I had to decide that I didn’t WANT to smoke anymore. I had to get to a point where I didn’t enjoy it. I had to have a plan so I could succeed.

I reached that point. I didn’t want to keep smoking. I’d tried and succeeded (for three months) once. I’d tried and failed numerous times. I knew what worked and what didn’t.

I picked a date: January 17, 2007

Why that day? I’m not a New Year’s Day resolutions kind of person. I knew I wouldn’t have time to get to my doctor before the end of the year. I wanted to quit on a Wednesday because I play pool, in bars, on Tuesday nights. I wanted a full week of not smoking behind me before I faced big temptation.

I went to my doctor on January 4 and got a prescription for Zyban and started taking it. I know it helps. I know it makes cigarettes taste awful. I need the cigarettes to taste awful as I quit. I also got a prescription for a Nicotrol inhaler. If I get a really bad craving, I can get a “hit” of nicotine without all the other bad stuff in cigarettes.

I’m ready. I don’t want to smoke anymore. I’m tired of getting bronchitis every year. I want to de-stench my car and my house and my clothes. I want to stay inside when it’s cold. I want to sit and talk after a meal instead of rushing out so I can grab a smoke. I want the love of my life to LIKE how I smell. I want to pick up my grandchildren as soon as the reach out to me. I don't want my kids or parents sitting in a funeral home as people walk by and say how sorry they are.

I have Zyban. I have the inhaler. I have carrots. I have celery. I have gum. I have water. Thanks to a wicked smaht lady I know who recently quit, I also have tic-tacs. She says they help. Most of all, I have resolve and determination. I’m thinking like a non-smoker. I don’t love my cigarettes anymore and I’m looking forward to laying them down forever.

Tomorrow.