Saturday, March 20, 2010

Love is...

Get something to drink and go empty your bladder. This is a long one.

Do you remember those “Love is…” cartoons from so long ago? A woman named Kim Casali came up with the one-frame cartoons in the 1960s and her son now does the strip. Some were cute, others cheesy, most not very realistic.

I have my own feelings about what Love Is and one-line cartoons of naked folk don’t play much of a part in them. Love is too complex for one-liners. Sometimes, love is too complex to write about without help. So, this post will have a lot of quotes. As Somerset Maugham said, “I quote others only in order to better express myself.”

Since I’m stalled, I’m going to start off with a couple of quotes.

“There comes that mysterious meeting in life when someone acknowledges who we are and what we can be, igniting the circuits of our highest potential.” Rusty Berkus
“One is taught by experience to put a premium on those few people who can appreciate you for what you are.” Gail Godwin
MrWurdi not only acknowledges and completely accepts who I am, he encourages me to avoid complacency in that. He encourages me to continue to explore who I am and who I can be. It took a long time before I became confident enough in his love and acceptance to live truthfully and openly and share who I was and who I was becoming. I realized how freeing and beautiful it is to have a person in your life you can share every thought and every feeling. That’s real. That’s love.

Society has programmed us to keep certain feelings locked away, to be polite, to be tactful and diplomatic. We’re taught not to show our weaknesses, our flaws, our anger, our darkness. Sometimes, being truthful and open is difficult. Difficult, painful conversations end up being a result of all that truthful openness. The honesty is worth it, though. It means there isn’t subterfuge or keeping feelings locked away. There’s less resentment – not no resentment because, let’s face it, we’re human. But the honesty, well, the honesty is a type of love. It’s real. If you don’t have honesty in communication, you’re just playing. If there’s something you can’t share about yourself with someone you love, then you’re just playing at love. It’s not real.

“Some people will not tolerate such emotional honesty in communication. They would rather defend their dishonesty on the grounds that it might hurt others. Therefore, having rationalized their phoniness into nobility, they settle for superficial relationships.” Author unknown
So, just what do you do when you find someone who can handle your truth and is willing to share their truth with you? You celebrate it, revel in it, and appreciate every moment of it.

One problem I’ve seen in some of my past relationships and in those of my friends is the loss of self. Is it grand passion for the other person? Lack of esteem in oneself? Fear that if we are different, we will not be loved?

“Love is union with somebody, or something, outside oneself, under the condition of retaining the separateness and integrity of one's own self.” Erich Fromm
My aunt shared some words of wisdom with me recently. She said that no matter how good things are or how bad things are, “It will change.” Boy, howdy, was she right! And it’s not just those things external to us that change – jobs, other people, weather, finances, home – we do. Every single experience or interaction or observation changes something in us. I love what Anaïs Nin said about this.
She said, “Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.”
One of the biggest difficulties in relationships is that when we fall in love with a person, we fall in love with them as they are in that moment and as we are in that moment. People change. They can’t help it. Sometimes, we change in ways that are complimentary to our significant other and their changes. That’s pretty darned cool when it happens.

Sometimes, the changes put distance between us. When that happens, we can end up angry with each other – angry that what was once so perfect isn’t anymore. We’re angry that the beautiful, passionate, amazing, perfect romance has changed into something else. We grieve its loss. We are angry at the person who is responsible for making it go away.

“In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you want the other person.” Margaret Anderson
Sometimes, it’s hard remembering that the beautiful truth and openness and honesty that was the foundation of your relationship is still there. The anger and grief cloud the fact that you still have a beautiful, open, truthful connection with that other person.

“Life is a constant metamorphosis from one stage to another. But why do we live so hard against this fact? Why are we afraid? In truth, we never leave anything behind, but carry it inside. Nothing is ever lost, only when we try to hold on. Then all is lost. Our whole soul. But if we let go, then we can take everything with us, because we become strong in our own invisible centers, and the world becomes light.” Jim Ralston
While I don’t typically go into a lot of deeply personal stuff here, I feel the need to make an exception.

MrWurdi and I stopped being a couple almost a year ago. We still love each other but our relationship has changed. There's not any anger, in fact, we've had a very civilized year since we became single people. Not too many exes can share an address with each other. As with all things, this has changed, too. We live, we grow, we change, we move. Some people move several states away. ;-)

I will always love, erm, I guess MrWurdi isn't that appropriate now so I'll let him pick a new alias if he'd like. I want only happiness and abundance and good things for him and I believe he wants the same for me.
“We have stopped for a moment to encounter each other. To meet, to love, to share. It is a precious moment, but it is transient. It is a little parentheses in eternity. If we share with caring, lightheartedness, and love, we will create abundance and joy for each other, and this moment will have been worthwhile.” Deepak Chopra
So, remember when I said love is too complex for one-liners? I may have been wrong.

Love is truth.
Love changes.
Love is worthwhile.


Thunderball said...

Love hurts,
love scars,
love wounds
and mars.
Any heart
not tough
or strong enough
to take a lot of pain,
take a lot of pain.
Love is like a cloud,
holds a lot of rain.

Love hurts
Oooh oooh love hurts

I'm young,
I know
but even so,
I know a thing or two,
I've learned from you.
I've really learned a lot
really learned a lot.
Love is like a stove,
burns you when it's hot.

Love hurts
Oooh oooh love hurts

Some fools think of happiness,
Some fools fool themselves I guess,
but they're not fooling me.
I know it isn't true,
know it isn't true.
Love is just a lie
made to make you blue.

Love hurts
Oooh oooh love hurts

Or the simple J. Giles version - LOVE STINKS!

Anonymous said...

And in the abundance of many words, the reality stands as it is.

Anonymous said...

I’ve never really been a person to live my life “on-line”. Having been in the security business for so long, it seems borderline insanity to put details of my life out there for all whom might abuse it. But I have on occasion placed a few things “out there” for all to see, mostly bad short stories, and even worse poetry. It seems that much of my life is already there for those who put two and two together. So it would seem another portion is now exposed, so it is done. It is only fair that those, whom choose to live this way, have the right to do so, I respect that. And it’s only fair for all that both sides are exposed to keep the readers from making their own interpretations about her or I, or anything in between.

Indeed it would seem that “This too shall pass” although I shamefully admit I didn’t see it coming. In as much as all said by “MzWordy” is true. I tend to associate my feelings with songs rather than quotes. I first I thought of a Scottish dirge to illustrate the pain sometimes truth and honesty can cause, but I thought this was more fitting. Our relationship was sometimes more like the “Cat o’nine taiIs’, they had to put those nine tailless cats somewhere, why not in a bag with some pipes attached. You’ll have to hear them in your head; come on you can do it. I’m not going to show all the lyrics, the post would simply be too long, but you get the idea, right?

By yon bonnie banks,
And by yon bonnie braes,
Where the sun shines bright on Loch Lomond,
Where me and my true love
Were ever want to gae,
On the bonnie, bonnie banks of Loch Lomond.

Oh! ye'll take the high road and
I'll take the low road,
And I'll be in Scotland afore ye;
But me and my true love
Will never meet again
On the bonnie, bonnie banks of Loch Lomond.

'Twas then that we parted
In yon shady glen,
On the steep, steep side of Ben Lomond,
Where in purple hue
The Highland hills we view,
And the moon coming out in the gloaming.

Although the history and true meaning of this song is often contested, I obviously have chosen the romantic version. But there is another verse that I altered. I sent it privately to Mzwordy, it did include the following words (not necessarily in this order) dark, chains, hell, and dungeon.
Let the wild interpretations begin!
For those that want something more contemporary and “dirge” like, have a listen…

The Walk (a traditional Scottish dirge, c.1983)

And Finally,

The band strikes up a tune, the drum beats out the fast paced rhythm, the brass section is loud and penetrating. It’s repetitive and almost annoying and you know something is about to happen, but you’re not sure if you want it to. The band gets louder and softer as it repeats the same refrain. And then the announcer tells the story…

MrWurdi, has left the building…

Sgt said...

So many words of po’try and prose
Full of love and lacking noes

Makes me feel so out of place
Lacking wise words to fill the space

So with tears upon my sleeve
I sign the book and take my leave

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry to read about you and Mr. Wurdi, but am glad that things have gotten better in light of not being a couple.

My favorite love quote has always been, "True love is friendship set on fire." It is nice to know that when the flames subside, the friendship is still there.