I have a completely raging blog-on for a certain fellow. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’m quite happy with MrWurdi and the object of my blog desire appears to be very happily married to a wonderful woman. It’s not like that. It’s just that my creative bone gets more than a little firm when I read his posts.
His name is Johnny Virgil and he posts at 15 Minute Lunch.
What does he post about, you ask? Why, everything! He posts about neighbors, coworkers, friends, random drivers, and his brothers, The Snitch and Houdini. He posts about travel and food and almost killing people. It’s okay, the almost killing people stuff happened before he could be charged as an adult. I feel a little awkward telling you this (since I’m such a delicate and innocent gal) but he posts a lot about testicles. Retraction and removal of them seem to be hot topics but he certainly doesn’t limit himself.
I’ve, with permission, brought a little bit of Johnny to my blog. The following are snippets of his posts over time:
JV on Fellow Airline Passengers:
The BO hits me in the face like a Stinky Iron Fist. This was not just ordinary BO. This was, I am pretty sure, an actual sentient creature, separate from him, but in some sort of symbiotic relationship with his armpits. I base my sentience theory on the speed and accuracy with which it moved. The second he took off his coat, it immediately jumped off him, quickly surrounded my olfactory senses, and beat them into submission with an efficiency and purpose I’ve never seen in lower animals.
JV on Random People in the Office Bathroom:
He was diligently checking out his bare ass in the mirror, of course. What else would someone be doing in a bathroom at 6:45 in the morning?
JV on Dogs:
Me: Yeah, this was a husky/shepherd mix. cute little puppy. We named him Veal because he was in the cage all the time.
JV on Guppies:
"MOM! MOM! Come here! HURRY! THE MOTHER GUPPY IS HAVING BABIES! THERE'S HUNDREDS OF THEM! MOM! HURRY! OH CRIPES! OH, CRIPES THE FATHER GUPPY IS EATING THEM! THE FATHER GUPPY IS EATING THEM! NOW THE OTHER FISH ARE EATING THEM TOO! GET THE NET! OH JEEZ, NOW THE MOTHER IS EATING SOME! MAKE THEM STOP! MAKE THEM STOP! "
JV on Guppies + Electricity:
Every single one of my guppies instantly flipped over and floated to the top like cheerios in a bowl full of milk.
JV on Sky Diving:
Right at 5,000 feet, I grab the ripcord and yank it. About two seconds later, the chute pops, and my crotch goes from 120mph to 10mph in the space of a second. My shoulders get yanked backwards, and there’s something in my throat that I think I used to piss with.
JV on Fast Food:
"Yes, I would like the seizure with chicken fangers please. And a bottled water." Okay, I didn't ask specifically about lifting a picture from his blog but I wanted you to see how he provides visuals to enhance his stories.
See what I mean? The fellow is hysterical. Treat yourself to the archives. As the king in Alice in Wonderland said, `Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end: then stop.'
A few words of warning: Go pee before you start reading. Seriously. I’ll explain about the Peequation* later.
After you’ve read all there is to read (and maybe even before then) go vote for Johnny at Blog Interviewer. He might win something!
*Idea shamelessly stolen from Johnny Virgil and to be modified to fit me at a later date.